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harperquinn
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Name: Lisa
Country: Ecuador
Gender: Female
Interests: learning, classics (Latin, ancient Greece and Rome), reading books, knitting, sewing, cooking, canning, cleaning, music, health care, politics, the environment, missions. . .
Expertise: being a renaissance woman (i.e., a jill-of-all-trades) and having many passions
Occupation: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/31/2004
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| In my theology class today, we were discussing the doctrine of providence and the problem of evil. We read a short journal by a pastor whose daughter had just been born with Down syndrome. The lament of the piece was evident, as was his anger and his confusion at how a good, all-powerful God could allow something like this to happen.
I commented that this was exactly why I had walked away from nursing. It was too hard to get those questions night after night, working and striving to save people's lives and then cleaning up the blood afterward when things came to their oft-inevitable conclusions. I mentioned the one surreal night where I counted 23 people in the room trying to save the life of one man injured in a car accident. When he was finally pronounced dead, the only sound in the room was the screaming of the man's 2-year-old son in the adjacent room, crying for a father who would never come. Where is God in those situations? How can God let those things happen? Why does God allow them?
These are questions without easy answers, and I still struggle with them.
Today, as we were talking about pastoral responses to the author of the article, one of my classmates immediately leaped to how we should focus on what a blessing this child would be, and how the family's lives would be enriched by this gift from God. I wanted to punch my classmate. Really? A blessing? A gift? What about the grief and lament? How do you look into the eyes of a man who knows his daughter will never be like the other children? I think maybe it would have been pastoral of me to punch my classmate, in hindsight.
Please, don't ever let me have a pastor like that. And even more, please don't ever let me be a pastor like that.
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| On my refrigerator at home, I have a cartoon strip of "Luann" that's been there for several years, in which she laments to her friend Delta that she can't remember what class she's going to, whether she has first or second lunch, and which bus she takes. The closing panel features Luann banging her head against her locker and saying, "Tell me it's Friday and I can go home now."
I'm having one of those days. I'm sitting in the student center with my jacket buttoned all the way to the top, because I'm freezing cold. I have a throbbing headache and I'm dizzy, and I *think* my class starts at 11:30, but then again, it might be 11:10. I was supposed to have something written for my 10:00 mentoring group this morning, but since I couldn't remember what it was, I didn't do anything. I have a massive Greek test tomorrow, so I skipped mentoring group in order to study. My brain is fuzzy and unmotivated, despite the fact that I have slept almost twelve hours since yesterday in an attempt to recover from my fun but exhausting weekend.
On Tuesdays I'm usually in class from 10 until 3:15, so typically I fast from Monday night until Tuesday night. It's a new spiritual discipline I've been trying, and I'm trying to use it well without being overly legalistic about it. Today might be one of the days where I admit my weakness and give in to the vending machines, winding up with a wild cherry pepsi and/or a chocolate bar in my future, just so I don't actually fall over. We'll have to see.
Don't get me wrong; I love my life. I'm just not feeling well and it's not helping my day at all. Really, life is good. I'm enjoying my classes and my life, and last night Corrin and I spent some quality time with just the two of us, snuggling on the couch while watching movies. I figure that in five years, I'll remember that more than I'll remember the studying for the Greek test that I should have been doing.
So, it might be off to the vending machine with me now. I think it'll help my mood tremendously.
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| I'm not a terribly skilled sleeper. I envy those people who can fall asleep quickly and sleep deeply through the night, because that has not been my typical experience. I think the problem increased when I started working nights, throwing off my circadian rhythms and necessitating the use of earplugs for me to have a chance of sleeping through things like my inconsiderate neighbors mowing their lawns at noon. Noon! Right in the middle of my sleeping time. These days, I usually sleep well enough, but nights when I'm on call do not lend themselves to good sleep. I think this in large part because I don't get to wear my earplugs. Last night was a representative example of how a typical on-call night of sleeping might go.
9:30 pm: The in-laws go to bed. The house is now very dark, and very quiet. I read my book for awhile.
11:00 pm: I decide to go to bed. The windows are wide open because it is cool and lovely outdoors. I can hear the traffic from the relatively busy 35mph road in front of the house, even though my windows do not face that direction.
1:15 am: Dan, who is still up, gets up to use the bathroom. The bathroom shares a wall with my bedroom, so the whooshing water noise awakens me. I lie awake until the light under my door goes away.
2:30 am: A particularly loud motorcycle goes tearing down the street, and the revving of the engine wakens me. I realize I have not turned my ceiling fan on, and I am quite warm under the blankets. I get up and turn the fan on before going back to bed.
4:20 am: I wake with a start from an exceptionally vivid dream about my pager going off. I use every ounce of willpower to avoid checking the pager, since the pager I am picturing in my head from the dream looks nothing like my real pager.
6:00 am: The in-laws get up and begin unloading the dishwasher. I am wakened by the clinking of dishes. The sun has risen by now, making my room relatively light. I check the pager, just in case.
7:30 am: The chirping of the birds wakes me, but I try to ignore it and roll over.
9:00 am: I give up on sleep and get up.
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| I'm really enjoying Wisconsin. It's much sunnier, cooler, and less humid than the Michigan summers I remember, and it's been great to sleep with my windows open. One of the other CPE students and I have been taking a walk every day after lunch, so I'm getting funny tan lines and more freckles. I've been working out at the Y most days of the week and enjoying that as well. I've lost ten pounds and feel great. I've even gotten better at sleeping.
CPE is a challenge. It brings up a lot of psychological issues because it's all about being a competent pastor. I've been dealing a lot with my chronic guilt, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and general people-pleasing. It's interesting for me to be in a place where no one knows me, knows my family, attends my church, is related to me, is Dutch, is Reformed, or has any inkling about how those things affect me. My CPE colleagues tell me that my theology sounds somewhat exhausting--it's so very cognitive, guilt-ridden, and striving to be works-righteousness without *actually* believing in works-righteousness.
I'm trying to learn where my personality is in all of this. I'm such a people pleaser and a perfectionist that most of my life has been spent playing roles. I need to be strong and competent and humble and gracious and not complain. These are things I put on myself, but there's some external sources as well. I told the people here that I knew I couldn't do a similar internship at Pine Rest because the very first thing the director said to me was, "So, you're Ken and Fay's daughter, right?" How could I possibly talk about my family or my psyche, knowing that this was a person who knew my family and had certain expectations of me based on that? Here in Wisconsin, I can figure out a little more of who I really am, what I want, how I can use my strengths and weaknesses to grow as a person and as a pastor. It's safer here, because at the end of the summer I may never see these people again. I won't run into them at Meijer or downtown and be wary because they know some of the dark nights of my soul.
In short, Wisconsin is good. My group of people here is great. I'm digging through a lot of issues I have, and finally have time to consider. I don't exactly know how this will change me, but it's nice to at least feel like I don't have to be perfect here. If I'm not perfect, at least I only reflect poorly on myself. At home, I don't have that luxury. If I screw up there, it could reflect back to my family, my church, my school, and my friends. I love home, don't get me wrong, but there's a lot of pressure there because everyone knows the same people. In Wisconsin, I'm just another person, unattached, with no huge entanglements with the entire community.
that being said, I miss home. I miss my clothesline and my toaster oven. I miss my church. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I really miss Corrin! But this is where I need to be, and I'm doing the best I can, and for the most part, it's good. You might have to remind me of that some days, but it's good. and I'm thankful for that.
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| Here is an actual e-mail I received this week from the lovely folks at school.
Subject categories: Student Information Employee Information Hello, The time has come for us to implement the password changes we described in an email message on May 11. These changes are made necessary by hardware and software updates we are making to our Novell Network infrastructure, in conjunction with Calvin I.T. We ask that every Seminary Community member change their Novell Password by July 6. On that day, the Novell network will force password changes if you have not already done so. You will not be able to access your Novell account, or the Seminary printers on July 6 or after without making the change. New Password Constraints (matching the password constraints of Calvin College): - Passwords must be 15 characters long, and must have a minimum of 4 unique characters, with a maximum character repeat of 3.
- Passwords will expire after 1 year, and cannot be used again.
- Passwords are case-sensitive.
Examples of bad passwords: abc123aaaaaaaaa (character repeat issue) acb1 (not long enough) A good password: cT$%Acf_acl_4lm (See http://www.calvinseminary.edu/it/novell/passwords.php for help choosing a good password.) How to change your Novell Password: - Log in to a Seminary Computer
- Press the "Ctrl", "Alt", "Del" keys simultaneously
- Click "Change Password"
- Enter your old password and your new password (twice)
- Click "OK"
Note: Changing your Novell password WILL NOT change your website password, ANGEL password, or Google Apps password. For more details, or help choosing a password, visit: http://www.calvinseminary.edu/it/novell/passwords.php Thank you, Seminary I.T. I understand why passwords shouldn't be short. I understand why they shouldn't be easily recognizable words. But really? Really?? Fifteen characters and I can only use each character up to three times. I suppose I should be thankful that they removed the initial requirement that each password MUST contain a weird symbol like % or something. I pick good passwords. They have letters and numbers, are 6-10 characters long, not easily guessable, but easily remembered by me. They're things like combinations of my friends' initials and their birthdays, or Bible verses, or that kind of thing. Having a fifteen-character password essentially mandates that I write it down somewhere. Forcing me to change it after one year just makes me angry. If I'm going to all of the trouble to create a fifteen-character password, what makes them think I would remember it after only a year?
My other favorite part is that I had less than a week's notice, and they insist that all passwords must be changed on seminary computers by Monday. Ummm.... I would say the vast majority of seminary students are gone for the summer, and not to places from which they can easily return to school for the sole purpose of changing their computer passwords.
Oh, IT people, I know I have to stay on your good side or my life will be miserable, but really? Really?? I expected so much more from you.
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